Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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