Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
