so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
