It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
