so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
