Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Is it because I queefed?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
