Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just forgot I was standing up.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
