Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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