I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
