Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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