so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
