I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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