at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
