I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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