i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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