Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize