i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
