She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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