Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
