physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
