he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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