I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
