Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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