dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
