i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
