all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
