Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
