shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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