i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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