can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
