I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
