trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
