Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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