sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
