the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
