i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
