Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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