My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
