Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
