So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize