at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
