Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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