your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
