he was CRYING into my vagina
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
