I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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