So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
