i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
