I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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