It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
