One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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