She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
