do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
