He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
