Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize