And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
