Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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