I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
