Already got asked if we're dating
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
