Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
